Regrets? I've had a few.

Whilst with some friends recently, the topic of conversation turned to the old party favourite "regrets". Do you have anything that you regret and would go back in time to fix?

Since then I have been thinking about this question.

Like everyone, I naturally have some regrets. It is only human to have situations and events which you regret happen. My regrets are usually about the actions of other people towards me, and the situations that have been created as a result. My regrets are mainly about the fact that I was not able to avoid the situations and the fall out that followed them.

However, I do not think that there is anything I regret in my life that I would wish to go back in time and change.

I have always believed that we are the sum of all the decisions and choices we have made in our lives. A leads to B leads to C leads to D. Everything that as happened, every decision we have made, as led us to where we are today.

Sure, I could change B so that it does not lead to C, but the roller coaster of that change in the chain of events would mean that I would not be in the place that I am now.

People can fixate on the past, especially when their regrets are concerned with their own particular actions. If only they had not done X. If only they had chosen Y. All the blame for the present is placed on an action in the past. It becomes, almost, an obsession. Constantly looking back and wishing that things were different.

The problem with this is that in focusing on the past we let the future pass us by. Instead to concentrating on where we are going we insist on living where we have been. Sure, we might have made a bad decision which as led us to a place where we would rather not be but unless we take ownership of our past and move on with our life then things will never progress.

I have always been a "move on" sort of person. When something happens it is usually a case of "okay, what next?". I try not to dwell. I just accept and return to living my life. If something as happened which as put me in a bad place then my focus is on how I will change this situation, rather than focusing on what as led me to the bad place.

I am reminded of someone I once knew. He was not sure about a relationship he was in and he asked my advice on what to do. Now, when it comes to the matters of the heart I have always believed that it is important to give something time. After all, relationships do take time and effort. So this was the advice that I gave - to give it time.

The relationship did not work out unfortunately, and due to his actions towards the end of the relationship he did lose credibility. It was definitely not how I would have handled it. However, rather than moving on he obsessed on what had caused the loss of credibility. And the thing he obsessed on was the advice I had given to him, advice that he chose to follow.

It all came to a head many years later when, after some alcohol had been consumed, he told me why he did not like me. And it was all because I gave him the advice to give it time.

Do I regret giving the advice? With hindsight yes. If I had known that it would ruin a potentially good friendship then I would have not given it. For me, advice is just another way of looking at something. If you take advice then that is your choice. If I had known that I would be blamed for giving the advice then I would not have given it.

I suppose that the reason why this incident comes to mind is because it highlights the two things I was talking about. The person in question was not prepared to take ownership of their decision, preferring to blame someone else for the decision that he made. He did not take ownership of his past. The person also did not "move on" from it. Instead, he chose to dwell on a bad mistake and blamed everything upon it.

It is only when we move on from the past that we can take steps to fix the mistakes that we have made. Sometimes the mistakes cannot be fixed, and the situations that we find ourselves in cannot be rectified. It is times like this that we need to say "what's next?" and move on.

Only when we draw a line under something can we consign it to the past rather than have it dominate the present, like a mill stone round our necks, and hold us back. Only when we take ownership of our past can we concentrate on the future, rather than on what might have been. It is only when we accept that we are the accumulation of all our choices and decisions that we can more forward.

The past is not something to dwell on, something to obsess over. The past is there to aid us in the future. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The past is there to be learnt from and that is all. The past, when we have taken ownership of it, informs us when faced with similar situations in the future.

Do I have regrets? Yes I do.

Would I go back in time and change them? No, since I am who I am and where I am because of all the decisions that I have made. I am the sum of all my past - both for better and for worse.

Will I make the same mistakes in the future? I hope not but only time will tell.


Now, what's next?