Who am I?

Another night time approaches when I should be preparing for bed but yet again I am feeling too wired to drift off to sleep. Sadly, this time I know the reason why.

I came to a realisation today about myself, and it is a realisation that I am not really happy with.

I used to be a very forgiving person. It was once commented by someone that was, at one point, rather close to be (or so I thought at the time) that I was like the Mother in the American QAF. There was a time when I would forgive anyone virtually anything. Forever forgiving of whatever trespass was made against me. I would just forgive and forget, and then move on as if nothing had happened.

Sadly, I do not think that I am that sort of person anymore. Maybe it is because I have been portrayed too many times in my life by people who I considered friends. People who held a special place in my life, people who I would do anything within my power for.

I was never really a man of means, but if I could I would try and help people out. Unfortunately, time and time again I was slapped in the face. I suppose, when you have been hurt too many time, when you have had your friendship thrown back in your face, you do become less forgiving.

And this is the depressing part for me. I never wanted to be this sort of person. I was happy being the forgiving sort, the sort of person who would forgive thoughtless actions and the self-centred nature of others.

Maybe it is just because the trust that I would freely place in people, a trust that they would treat me with the same level of respect that I treat them with, as been misplaced too many times in the past.

I have known for a while now that I find it hard to trust people, and that I try to keep myself safe by guarding myself from others. This is also something that I never wanted to be but this is where I find myself at this time in my life.

If I was being honest with myself I know that this is the reason why I have chosen to remain single for so long. Yeah, there have been opportunities in the past when I could have attempted to build a relationship. But I have held back, mainly because I do not want to be hurt by someone who is close to me, someone that I have grown to love and care for.

I am reminded of Mary Sunshine from Chicago the Musical. She would see "a little bit of good in everyone" and this is definitely something that I would do. However, in doing this I would allow myself to become blinded to that persons self-centred agendas. Maybe it is because I used to be so self-less that I never saw that others were just looking after themselves and their own self-interests.

It is probably wrong that when I meet someone who shows an interest in me and my life that my thought is about what their agenda is - what it is that they want from me. I am not sure when I stopped thinking that people would just want to know me for who I am - no edge, no hidden agenda.

Maybe I never did think that in the first place, after all that would mean accepting that I was someone special rather than someone that just had something that someone else wanted. It is not without reason that I usually refer to myself as being "just this guy, you know". I am nothing special, and if people say that I am I just do not see it.

There are so many people who are better than me. If I was to go through aspects that are me I would no doubt point to an handful of people who are better than me. I do not excel at what I do. I am just me, just this guy.

Something happened today, something which I am not going to go into details about, and this event as sparked a chain of thought which leads me to where I am now - the realisation that I am no longer the person what I was, no longer the person that I liked myself being, no longer the person who could easily forgive transgressions again me.

This is not a place that I like to be and I know that I need to turn this situation around. I just hope that it is possible to do so. I hope that it is possible to trust again. I hope that it is possible to get back my faith in the kindness of others. I hope it is possible to learn to forgive the slights from others who only seem interested in their own desires, their own agendas. I hope it is possible to learn to love again, even if this means that I leave myself open to hurt.

It is that time again, that Desperate Hour that I mentioned yesterday. I just hope that sleep will not be a strangers for much longer because I need to start processing the day rather than just allowing myself to dwell on those events.